gotta make this quick (relatively) so pls forgive typos and lousy grammar.
Friday night was rough. RB and I did some yoga in the conference room at work, which was a nice way to end out the week. then i went to the pharmacy to pick up my scrip and they said insurance wouldn’t pay to cover it until Monday, because it was less than 30 days since my last scrip. even though the dosage had been increased. it would have been – get this - $214 to buy it without coverage. talk about a nasty little reality check there. my LAND.
got home to papa who had been home alone all day and needed company, needed to talk. you have to understand my Friday nights have been spent with me and Duckie for months on end now – Brian has wanted to stay home occasionally and i’ve sent him out with no qualms at all. Friday nights are mine, mostly because i am so godawful exhausted by the end of the week that the only person i can have a successful conversation with is my two-year-old daughter. i don’t even cook, and i’m usually in bed by nine or ten.
i understand the need to adjust my routine. but i just don’t think i can budge on this one – which means we’re going to have to find some imaginative, sensitive ways to get Skip out of the house for a few hours on Friday evenings. just from 6 to 10 – which i don’t think is asking too much.
i’m having some difficulties communicating, i think. after five years, brian is used to my somewhat blunt and forthright manner – i don’t play games, and i feel like i’m having to do that with skipper – walking on eggshells and dancing around things isn’t in my nature. i would make a lousy spy – can’t keep a secret for shit, and everything i think shows on my face, like Claire Fraser.
side note – i’ve been immersed in a breath of snow and ashes for the last two weeks, and i am pleased to report that it’s easily as good as outlander and dragonfly in amber. huge relief. i know there’s a huge cliffhanger coming at the end of the book – which is kinda scary given the plot twists i’ve already seen – and buffy is being admirably silent about it (she loaned me the book after she finished it.) diana is absolutely back in her game, and she’s treating us to more detailed, richer narratives about past experiences of some of the characters, things that we’ve heard about but haven’t really seen through their eyes. and some of the new stuff is so intense and shattering that it’s painful to read. i can’t put it down without seeing the scenes in my head. obsessive, i know, but there you have it.
so anyway, Friday night i managed to get frustrated and offend skipper, even though i was doing my best to tell him nicely that i just couldn’t stand to hear any more words and needed to go to bed. he said, “yeah, i think you do.” grrrrrr. and i had to apologize before i went to bed. so afterward, i closed the door and sorted through duckie’s Halloween stash, ditching the choking hazards and stealing the decent chocolate and caramel. i sat in bed reading, sucking on caramels for comfort. pathetic. but you do what you have to do.
Saturday we all went to grocery shop together, which went smoothly with the three of us to share in the toddler-wrangling. the notable exception was the near-collision between the grocery cart, which duckie was pushing with great enthusiasm, and the tall rack of beef jerky. fun stuff.
i got a chance to run several errands Saturday, including dropping off our check for the October gig to buffy, who divvies up the cash later on (tax reasons, y’know.) at buffy's house, they were watching a documentary about a school in Tennessee that collected 27 million paper clips in memory of holocaust victims, and managed to get hold of an authentic german rail car, one that had been used to transport people to the camps, to hold them all. i had to leave before i saw the actual memorial – but i’d like to visit it someday when duckie’s old enough to understand some of the history behind it.
it wrecked me. i wasn’t the only one blubbering, either. buffy was in tears before i even got there, and we together managed to go through half a box of Kleenex. on the way home, i realized that these problems that i’m having with skipper are good problems – because it means that i have family around me, no matter how much they drive me nuts occasionally. a generation of people in Europe grew up without that. it was a huge lesson in perspective for me – and it was the beginning of the first decent conversation skipper and i have had since he’s been here. i’m thinking about getting a small pink paper slip tattoed on the inside of my arm. so that i don’t forget the lessons – any of them.
we watched some of a hilarious movie that evening. Sunday morning i got up and ran three miles before lunch. i was more than a little impressed with myself. apparently quitting smoking again has done wonders for my lung capacity. i made chocolate chip orange scones that afternoon and went to heather’s to drop them off. we haven’t seen heather in the flesh for a long long time – she’s been going to nursing school and working nights in the intensive cardiac unit at mission hospital for going on two years now. i knew there was a good chance i would wake her up, but it was past time to force the issue.
i did wake her up. but she got her birthday scones and another little birthday present, and she got to see duckie, who she hadn’t seen in almost two years. it was a bittersweet visit. looking at pictures from the birthday party, which included pics of the new babies, she said, “i feel like i’ve missed so much!” i said, “you haven’t. it just means we’ll have more stories to tell later on.” duckie loved visiting heather and all the pets. she was upset when we left after the short visit, but i had to get back to make dinner and heather needed the down time. well worth the trip, though, just to lay eyes on her and put my arms around her for a moment or two. plus all my friends will be green with envy that i actually got to see her in person – these days just hearing her voice on the phone is a rare treat.
this week will be nuts. i go to charlotte to audit on Tuesday, and Wednesday night we sing at the Biltmore estate. the only day i’ll get to run with company is Thursday. but at least it’s something.
here’s a good prayer i found today…
Universal Love Aspiration
Through the working of Great Compassion
in their hearts,
May all beings have happiness
and the causes of happiness,
May all be free from sorrow
and the causes of sorrow;
May all never be separated from the
sacred happiness, which is sorrowless;
And may all live in equanimity,
Without too much attachment
and too much aversion;
and live believing in the equality of
all that lives.
Namo Amida Buddha
blessings and peace to all of you.