break the habit
from Roget's International Thesaurus, Fifth Edition
It's a starting point, anyway. And does a decent job of describing how I'm feeling today - deserted, discarded, disregarded and dismissed. Pretty much "dissed" in every way. Abandonment issues coming up and not because of Sam's last post, either.
Second counselor appointment today. I said all the Right Things, told him what had happened over the last week, and towards the end he asked if I would be OK with biweekly sessions - two weeks before the next one.
He must have seen the panic in my eyes. I said I thought things with husband were about to get pretty rocky, and would I have the option of calling to schedule something if I needed to come in? He decided to go ahead and schedule me for next week. Wednesday at 1, in case you're interested.
I told him I was concerned that I was talking the good talk and possibly covering up again - pretending things were OK. Which, come to think of it, can't really be happening. He asked early in the session if I thought I was experiencing a "honeymoon" of sorts - he said it happens sometimes in the immediate period following a suicide attempt.
And while the last couple of weeks have been better, they have been better because I have worked my ass off to make them better. "Because I had to," I told him.
"No," he said. "You didn't. It [the changes I've made, not the pills I ate] was a choice you made, and it seems like it was the right one. If everyone made the right choices I'd be out of a job!"
This journal must be a good tool for me - because I've apparently already dealt with a lot of questions he asked me today. And the ones I haven't dealt with I'm working on.
The hardest so far is absorbing - really accepting, I mean, not just nodding my head and saying, Oh yeah, I know while trying to wriggle away from the reality of it - absorbing and digesting the immutable, incontrovertible fact that I cannot change my husband's feelings towards me, his attitude about me or about life, or his actions.
Digesting that is about as easy as trying to swallow a shit-covered soccer ball.
Wow - did y'all know that "absquatulate" is actually an old word for "skedaddle"? Funny how things pop up when you're browsing.
What I can do, and what I must do, for my sake and for Duckie's, is choose carefully and consciously how I respond to him. Maybe someday I won't be so overwhelmed with sadness every time abandonment issues come up - because let's face it, they will come up. And maybe I can figure out how to maintain my own space and boundaries when my basic urge is still to make him feel better.
What do you suggest, expect, want, need, etc...?
Y'all remember that question from last week? I haven't forgotten it. Just haven't had enough time to sit down and write it out. I'll start with the easy one: want.
I want a ride-on lawnmower. I want a good-sized four-wheel drive vehicle that runs dependably (the four-wheel drive is optional) and that doesn't kill me in payments every month. Or... every other month (let's be real here, folks.) I want a ladder so I can clean my windows and gutters. I want time to scrub the nasty spots out of my carpet - or a new carpet, come to that.
I want to be happy and content, and I want the same for all my friends and family. I want to write. Full-time would be nice, but that would require actually finishing something longer than a five-page work instruction about inspecting seat belt thread.
I want to lose about 50 pounds. I want my sex drive back. (You've probably seen it around - I think it did a guest spot on Jerry Springer a few months ago - Sex Drives Gone Wild.) I want to feel level-headed again instead of dizzy and slightly nauseous from the abrupt cessation of antidepressant medication.
I want to get caught up at work. I want to schedule my housework so that I have my weekends more or less free. I want Duckie to let me brush her teeth without such a godawful struggle.
I want to find a way, somehow, to let my friends know how deeply and profoundly grateful I am for their wisdom and company on the road back from La-La Land.
I want to know what's going on with my husband. There are things he's not saying - times he won't meet my eyes and I don't think it's entirely because of his anger at my actions anymore. There's something else happening and I would be less afraid if he would just come out and say it straight.
I want people to understand what happened that night, why it happened, and why it will, God willing, never happen again. (Yeah, that's still the mantra. Hope you're not sick of reading it yet because it'll be with me for a long time.) And I want those who are still angry at me to stop being angry and realize that I could use all the help I can get - and that they can help me best by keeping in touch occasionally and not condemning me for a lunatic.
The last two are out of my control. The others I can probably manage, given enough time and forethought.
Needs, suggestions, expectations? Er... needs I will probably get to later on in the week. Suggestions and expectations will require a personal conversation with husband before I will share them here.
peace and love.