Thursday, September 14, 2006

a sugar junkie attempts recovery


Preparations for Duckie’s third birthday party proceed apace. I was going to say “plans” but I’ve been planning this bugger for two weeks, and we’re well into the preparation phase, although farther behind than I like to be. As usual. No problem. Buy more coffee at the store this afternoon (proper stimulation always helps) and do a sheet cake instead of a bunch more cupcakes. Little adjustments that you'd hardly notice if you weren't living in my head.

Like dropping sugar. This weekend I found myself literally slurping the extra batter from the cupcake bowl, and finally grossed myself out. I was acting like a junkie, and it hit me how much of an addiction sugar really is for me. Beyond a crutch, you know? And I thought, it’s time to see how I function without it.

So I’ve been trying. Sunday night I had a consolation bite of chocolate slated for the party – dark chocolate with caramel inside. (Hey, I do try to keep the adults at the party happy, too.) It was enough.

Monday morning I switched from the pre-packaged oatmeal to plain oatmeal, albeit generously adorned with yogurt-based spread and salt. Different, but edible. I’m getting used to it.

I should also mention that the anniversary hit pretty hard emotionally. Coverage was everywhere, but it was like the elephant in the room – huge, overpowering, and no one here talked about it. So Monday afternoon I did angry yoga, then went home and had angry sex – both of which were surprisingly effective and satisfying. Go figure.

Tuesday night, I was an utter bitch. It was one hours-long nicotine craving, and it




Once I realized what was happening, I dug up the B-complex drops I’d used when I was quitting smoking. They helped immensely.

Yesterday I spent most of the day bouncing off the walls. Granted, Brian and I were going shopping for Duckie’s birthday, so the anticipation was getting the better of me. But I hadn’t expected the hypomanic upsurge. It's counter-intuitive, you know? I thought dropping the sugar would make my energy level drop, too – it seems to be having the opposite effect. Fuck, but I hope I’m not getting into a manic cycle (as much fun as it can be.) Maybe it’s the party planning that’s got me all excited. I dunno. We’ll see.

The upside of the sugar-free diet is that I’m starting to drop weight again. Small increments, but they’re there. Hope springs eternal.

Today I got up just after 5 and had a relatively short practice, with the intention of starting off the day with a little more openness and freedom in my joints and muscles.

It was nice, but there wasn’t time for a proper ending. Duckie woke up and had peed through her pull-up, clothes, sheets, pillow (mine, co-incidentally, because she still manages to sneak into our bed in the middle of the night), and mattress pad. We’ve simply got to find something else for her to do before bed than drink milk. Otherwise she’ll be in a nighttime diaper until she’s ten.

The only theme for the party is apples and primary colors. Bright, happy colors and sweet, yummy apples. Oh, and cupcakes. And friends. It ought to be a lot of fun.



Yogamum said...

Good luck getting the sugar monkey off your back. I am a huge sugar fiend and I really should cut back...but I'm don't denial

Kiki said...

I don't know how relevant this is, but...I used to have a huge sweet tooth, and it subsided significantly after I became vegetarian. I now have more craving for spicy foods (who else eats a bowl of pasta salad with an entire minced jalapeno -- for *breakfast*?). I think I would go crazy if I couldn't have my spicy stuff. Somehow it makes up for the sugar, or at least my body thinks so. Maybe you could try some spicy stuff?

P.S. Good luck with the party -- happy birthday, Duckie!

andi said...

yogamum: eat some chocolate for me. PLEASE.

kiki: it's amazing what things are completely appetizing when you get out of the "time of day" mindset. brian thinks i'm insane for many reasons, not least of which is my favorite breakfast sandwich: multigrain bread, slightly sauteed zucchini, a beaten egg, and cheese. lot of cheese. i think he's missing out. oh well, we can't have crab cakes for breakfast every day i guess.