Tuesday, July 11, 2006

but still

folks, here's the hypomaniac, back after a somewhat long absence. she's sick of being pushed aside and sat upon, so i thought i'd let her out of her cage for a while. her cousin, the snarling bitch, is tied up in the basement for now. time to let the other kids play.


on days like today
when the meds are doing their job
maybe too well
when duckie's slept in her own bed for the last five nights
when i pull the cat closer to snuggle, missing my little girl
when she's almost out of diapers

on days like today
i want another child
i think maybe... just maybe... i could mother two children.

what the $^%# am i thinking???

is it because she's not enough?

is it because i miss her? (sometimes being a working mother sucks.)

is it chemical?

is it because i can't let go of the next baby? who doesn't even exist yet, except in my own head and heart.

it would be easier if i could point to one and say "yeah, that's it."

i know it's best to maintain stability.

don't rock the boat.

don't be an idiot.

but still.


SB Gypsy said...

Hey Andi,

There's a good chance it's chemical. Right about the time one kid gets out of diapers, your body starts pumping out the "I wanna baby" hormones.

You could dive in, or you could wait it out, and make that decision later...

andi said...

SB - yeah i was wondering about that last night when i was trying to put her to bed. she's at the point now where she's starting to push me away - where she doesn't need me as much. so likely a potent combination of hormones and developmental stuff.

definitely going to wait it out.

Kiki said...

i've read about the hormone thing as well. and now that i've heard duckie's sweet voice, i understand why you'd want another one. hang in there, girl!