urgh.

i am So. Freaking. Tired.

quality system auditors have been crawling all over my shit for four solid days now - outside auditors and the folks here. my brain has been pretty much on overload and it's finally crapping out.

things have been strange in my head. i s'pose if i were living half a century ago, i'd say i've been taken a bit queer, which is actually the best way i can describe it. vivid dreams, and sometimes the memory of a dream will break through a waking conversation i'll be having, kinda nudging that reality aside for a second or two. is this really happening? or am i dreaming it now? really odd feeling.

sitting outside yesterday, gorgeous windy afternoon, trying on some erich schiffman-style yoga, brain in fifth gear and just won't shut up, judging, criticizing, edging towards disappointment. hard to have a "decent" yoga session when your head desperately wants to be somewhere else, and when the physical activity you can do is limited - shoulder's been a-hurtin' lately, so i had to go easy on it. no ultra-sweat workout for me, and maybe that was part of the problem.

so anyway, doing that sitting quietly thing schiffman recommends afterward and really grooving on the wind through the trees - almost a little too much, if you know what i mean. not exactly like tripping - but not unlike tripping, either. just... strange.

i told RB that this morning and she said, "i know what you mean." i don't think i've ever appreciated hearing those words as much as i did just then. it's kind of a security blanket - it's not just me feeling slightly freaked out, slightly not-quite-there. i don't need to call the white coats in just yet.

fatigue has got to have something to do with it. i'm literally struggling to keep my spine erect as i'm writing this. i feel kinda silly for being this tired - RB has been moving to her new house all week long and is somehow still on her feet.

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i went to the eye doctor, finally, after being tormented endlessly by Brian about it.

slight astigmatism in the right eye, he said, and cataracts. unusual for a "young person" like myself to have them, but some folks have them from birth and never know until they go to get their eyes checked. they are probably one of the main reasons why i have such a hard time driving at night - the lights literally blind me, and driving at night in the rain makes it worse - everything reflects off the wet roads and i can't see shit. i hate that, especially when Duckie's in the car with me.

doc said we'll keep an eye on them. they may get worse, they may not.

never thought i'd say i can't wait to get glasses, but damned if i ain't sayin' it now, often and loudly. i like the style i picked out, they're cute, and i guess i'll have to get over the ego thing sooner or later. anyway maybe once i get them i'll stop squinting all the time and the grand canyon of a wrinkle between my eyes will slow its inevitable progress, at least temporarily.

maybe pizza and salad for dinner tonight - something simple and yummy for Duckie and me. i'm
thinking about a movie - we could both use some intensive cuddling - but i'm hesitant about the one we've got in the house - the lion, the witch and the wardrobe. i'm sure it's pretty intense (and she gets freaked out about finding nemo these days - you can hardly blame her.)

but it's not just that - it's also that i feel like i would be robbing her of her first experience with these characters and this story as a book. when you read, you get to be the casting director, the set designer, the costumer, the propsmistress/master, the light-and-sound crew - you know, all that juicy fun stuff i'd love to get paid to do. and you don't even have to climb ladders or listen to bad auditions or go to yard sales, or get stuck with pins. you just let it unfold.

at least that's how it always was with me.

so am i robbing her of that singular, individual experience?

will she see it later, without me, at someone's house anyway?

she might not even remember it. but i know how the mind can get some images stuck there, and when she reads the Chronicles, i'd rather she have a clean slate.

but she certainly won't for Harry Potter, right? so what's the difference with this one?

maybe it's because the Chronicles were a childhood experience for me, and maybe i'm just being a snob.

anyway the smokers have started up so i'm gonna go find somewhere else to be until it's time to go home.

hope y'all are doing well.