Tuesday, January 03, 2006

happy new year, and all that...

hey folks. many happy returns to you in the new year - thank you for your sweet messages here and elsewhere. i hope your christmas was as lovely and joyful as mine was - and more stable, too ;)

good stuff first – a great Christmas, as i said before. i don’t usually like to detail the presents, but in this case i have to share my big one from brian – or my little one, to be accurate. it’s a wee cube called mobiblu that holds about 1 gig of memory and plays mp3s and other audio files. it does a bunch more stuff, too, but the main thing is that i can wear it around my neck to run, do yoga, work, make dinner, etc. the sound quality is lovely. i ripped a lot of music from my father’s cd collection over the weekend. (he is suitably impressed by the Cube, as i call it.) i just finished listening to verdi’s spring and it was just what the doctor ordered. i think i’ll have to dig around for some really good quality classical recordings – it seems to have a healthier effect than some of the other music choices i’ve made the last few weeks. although i do have to mention that i love most of the latest bonnie raitt album (souls alike).

other lovely gifties included a gorgeous framed photo of my dad with duckie asleep on him from the summertime, when her skin was brown and her legs were still fat and babyish. so sweet. oh and yeah the frame is awfully pretty, too. rb presented me with a fluffy purple pimp robe that exceeds anything i’ve ever owned for pure decadence. if i could wear it to work, i would.

went out to dad’s this past weekend to do a late christmas with them. their big gift to duckie was a great table and chair set just her size. it’s big enough for two to sit and have Tea, do Art, munch dinner, and just hang out. the chairs are sturdy enough for adults to use, too, and i have to say i love sitting with duckie and coloring or playing with stickers.

i felt awful for skipper yesterday, though. i insisted on bringing the table in and setting it up myself (“i’ll get it, it’s heavy” he says – “no it’s not,” i say, “i loaded it myself. thanks, though.”) he came back in a few minutes later and i gestured triumphantly. “look! isn’t it gorgeous?”

how completely insensitive of me. he said, sincerely, “yeah, it’s real nice.” then escaped back into his room. and i knew then that he was heartbroken that he couldn’t do something as nice for her this year.

fuck. is there anything i can possible say to this man that wouldn’t hurt his feelings in some way shape or form?

i got pretty unstable yesterday afternoon after duckie and i got home, to the point where i called buffy and freaked out on the phone, which is, i suppose, preferable to attacking my father in law with a butcher knife in front of my very impressionable two-year-old daughter. it was a close call whether to bring in the cavalry and utilize the psych services of our local hospital. i was scared. i was angry. and i didn’t know what to do to stop it.

so i escaped into domesticity and made a late lunch for myself, duckie, and skipper. tried very hard to calm my shit down. skipper went to pick up brian from work and they didn’t get back until 7 or so, by which time i was pretty annoyed and angry at having to deal with the wreck of a house i had returned to as well as keep my daughter occupied and happy. (i did not succeed terribly well at the latter.)

by the time i went to bed, i had cleaned most of the house that i could and restored some kind of order to the post-holiday chaos. although i have to admit to some confusion as to why i was the only person who saw this as an urgent issue. i had worked myself to exhaustion and collapsed gratefully into bed – but that bed had clean sheets, by god.

here’s my prayer today: may we re-establish a good routine. may skipper find ways to feel useful within that routine. may my father heal quickly in all ways. may i manage to control my shit until my next counseling appointment on the 17th. may i find a way to feel safe again at home.

may your year be peaceful and filled with love and harmony at home, at work, and in your world. best of luck for 2006. may we all have comfortable, safe, boring lives.
because there's enough nasty shit out there to keep us all challenged anyway.

ah... here comes mozart. the overture to marriage of figaro. overplayed, sure, but still sweet.


SB Gypsy said...

Hey, Andi. Hang in there. Doesn't it just suck that the holidays are always so stressful? What I'd give for just once to have everything just run itself like clockwork, and have everyone just calm and full of enjoyment. I kinda don't think that'll happen unless we just get in the car and go away for the holidays...

If I ever do win the powerball (heh heh, like that'll happen) I plan to rent a ski resort for the holidays, and invite the whole family and all the friends.

andi said...

SB_Gypsy -

"calm and full of enjoyment" - that's the key, i think. nothing ever really happens like clockwork (unless your clock is broken most of the time, like mine is), so you have to go with the flow and just accept what you've got.

about the new pastry recipe and my anxiety as to whether or not i was doing it right, he said, "well, if the crust is awful, we'll just scoop out the pumpkin filling and eat that."

oh. well, ok then. and it turned out great anyway.

looking forward to getting back to a "normal routine" though. and having fun with all of duckie's new toys. melissa and doug ROCK.

oldwhitelady said...

Your prayer for good routine, family, etc., is so thoughtful. I hope everything is going well. Good luck with all and especially, good luck with healing, to your dad. hugs to you and Duckie.