Tuesday, December 13, 2005

somewhere out there

this morning's exercise in tonglen...

somewhere out there

a woman is troubled by mental disorders.
she struggles with living in the world and engaging peacefully with fellow travelers.
she is all too aware of the consequences of every word she speaks, every glance she throws, every action she takes.
she is afraid of causing harm to someone, accidentally or on purpose, when her frustration escapes.
she is afraid of her own rage.
she resents her daily exposure to hatred and violence.
she is exhausted.
she’s behind on her bills, she’s going to be laid off for the week before christmas, and she’s worried about money.
she thinks she is the only one in her house who really lives and appreciates the holiday season.
she feels like she can’t talk to her husband about any of this without hurting his feelings, or feeling completely misunderstood.
she is lonely in the midst of what is supposed to be a time for family and togetherness. she wishes she didn’t feel so alone.

hey, honey. i don’t know if this helps or not, but i thought i should let you know that you’re not alone in your troubles.

you might consider dropping the big menu for dinner tonight and settling with hamburger helper and peas instead.
since you’re mailing most of your packages today (great job, by the way), you might consider going to bed at 9 tonight, instead of at midnight, like you have for the last several days. never mind the TV show you were wanting to watch – it’s not going to help nearly as much as a full night’s sleep will.
you might consider talking to your husband when he’s not exhausted from his own efforts to make money for the household and the upcoming holiday.
you might consider that once you make it through this week, you’ll be able to throw down and raise some hell over the weekend. (after all, it is your birthday.)
you might consider that you’re not perfect and neither is your family. it might take a couple dozen thousand million more lifetimes to get to where you want to be.
you might consider that staying peaceful and calm in the midst of a house full of conflict is not the easiest thing in the world. it’s no wonder you’re exhausted.
you might consider that pretty soon a friend will stop by and drop some unexpected support into your soul, if you stay open to receive it.
you might consider asking your husband to drive by those pretty christmas lights again on the way home from work tonight.
you might consider that you really are loved and appreciated, even if the people you care for don’t always remember to tell you.

just a few suggestions from a friend, to help work through the stress a little bit. it’s always your choice whether or not you take a friend’s advice – i just hope you get to feeling a little better.

maybe, if i take some of my own advice, i'll feel better, too.

good luck - and many wishes for a happy holiday.


SB Gypsy said...

*Whew* the Holiday season can be a marathon, and the extra work always seems to fall on female shoulders. The only thing you can do is plow through it, and try to cherish each moment. (anything short of torture- that you can try to forget! I noticed a few years ago that most of my memories were negative. I've been trying to forget the bad, and remember the good ever since.)

oldwhitelady said...

Good advice! While we try to get through these hectic days, the toll does wear on us. Last night, I took a nap at 8:10 and the nap lasted all night. It was delicious! The tv show will rerun and if not, so what, it's only a tv program. Hope you're getting a chance to take it easy!

oldwhitelady said...

Hi Andi - You've been tagged for the Seven meme.

SB Gypsy said...

Good Christmas Morning, Andi,

Happy Holidays to you and all your family, and may you and yours enjoy the blessings and peace of the season.