i'm blatantly pimping for my husband's blog, the Lunatic Rant. he doesn't update often, but when he does... whew.
Lord Calvert is a Shepard I shall not want... I stumble through green pastures, I falleth into still waters...
Thank God I’m not in the pub. For I am now about to delve into the three forbidden territories of bar etiquette. Yes, I’m talking sports, politics, and Religion.
Once upon a time, The Pope was informed of the upcoming softball season. Scouts from the other organized religions (ie..Methodist, Presbyterian, Lutheran,etc…) had come to the Catholic church™ to talk about a small Baptist church in the hills of West Virginia. The coach of this particular team just so happened to also be the Pastor. "The pastor of this church has hundreds of rattlesnakes which he intends to release unto grounds of the Vatican so that we may feel the wrath of Satan™ himself," shouts cardinal "Puff" . "Alas, he also is hiding enough strychnine to flood Venice!" adds cardinal "Sin." "He has been practicing these unorthodox beliefs with his own congregation for decades now." The Pontiff then replies: " Well no Goddam wonder his team sucks so bad at softball. We must do something about this! I will send 150,000 catholic players to West Virginia to train and support a better team. We shall not quit until they win the world series! I would go with you but I must condition myself in the image of Lance Armstrong so that I will be able to conduct better relations with France. Good Luck!"
6 MONTHS LATER… A MEETING WITH THE POPE AND HIS CARDINALS…
"Well, your graciousness, The Preacher has been excommunicated from the Baptist society. I do reluctantly confess that we found no rattlesnakes nor Strychnine. There was however some porno and a ball python named 'fluffy.'" "Fuck It! That’s enough reason to send him to hell for eternity. I thought this was about softball anyway. So, how is his team?" "Not good at all. More than half of his players still want porno and keep screaming 'Fluffy!'" "The other half?" "Quite frankly sir, they fucking suck." "Well then, we will send more players to play the games for them until they are a winning team. I am a good enough coach to train the Koreans, so I am good enough to train the Baptists! (oops I said Koreans, I meant Episcopalians.)"
6 MONTHS LATER… ANOTHER MEETING WITH THE POPE AND HIS CARDINALS…
"Sir, our congregation is weary of our own team suffering while most of our players are playing for the Baptists." "Well, I shall hold a Mass and tell our followers of our successes and our plan for victory." "Our team's victory or the Baptists' victory?" "The victory of the Baptists is our victory, you dumbass!" "I am confused, your grace." "Am I the only one here with the vision and intellect to understand the master scheme?" "Evidently so, sir. That is why you get to wear the funny hat. FYI, there is a lady on the front lawn who keeps bringing up the strychnine and serpents. She claims that her son was killed while playing on the Baptist team." "Well, what does she want from me?" "To withdraw our players from the series." "Well, she is a whore and can go fuck herself with a wiffleball bat. I WILL NOT LOSE THIS SERIES!" "Errrr … mumble… I WILL NOT LET THE BAPTISTS LOSE THIS SERIES! GODDAM IT!"
Have I mentioned recently how much I love my husband?