Tuesday, June 28, 2005

huge sigh of relief, for now

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Whew. Another cliff, carefully backed away from.

I know that moods can be affected by hormonal shifts, but geez Louise. My cycle started today – about a week early, I think, but I’m bad about counting – which really helps explain the swings of the last few days.

It’s funny, but when you’re on the other side of a wall – say, the one dividing sanity from insanity, or mental illness from mental health – you tend to forget what the other side looks like – or that it even exists, for that matter. Total tunnel vision. When I’m doing well, I don’t want to acknowledge even to myself that there’s an underlying condition threatening my happy state of being.

And when I’m not doing well (see yesterday’s and Friday’s posts), the healthy world doesn’t even exist. Did anyone see What Dreams May Come? The scene that really got me was when Robin Williams’ character goes after his wife (played by Anabella Sciorra), who is living in the hell that she created through her suicide. She lives there at the bottom of her well, darkness surrounding her, with no concept of her previous identity or how she got there. That’s what my depression is starting to be like.

It’s good to have somewhere to come and write it down. It’s good to have a sanity check. And it’s good when friends check in and let me know (as they often do) that I’m not as crazy (read: delusional) as I worry I might be sometimes. Remember, just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you ;)

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Jury duty tomorrow. Maybe. I have to call after five this afternoon to find out if they need me or if I'm off the hook. As much as I appreciate the potential for being let off, I have to admit to a certain frustration at not knowing what I will be doing tomorrow - you know, gotta have the routine. And if I could just find out now I wouldn't be annoyed, either. But having to deal with an administrative function once I've left my left-brain work self behind, well... that's just a plain ol' pain in the ass.

Well. Death, taxes and jury duty... all unavoidable, right? PTPPPPPTH! as Bill the Cat would say.

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