Wednesday, January 05, 2005

The Craving from Hell

Well, hell. This morning has gone downhill - I'm hoping that the day will improve or at least my response to it will.

Remember what I said about letting Husband's rant go? I guess Buddha or Ghandi probably could - I couldn't. Just couldn't let it go. I sent a response to him privately yesterday and discovered that I still had a lot of anger (no use calling it indignation, it's just pure-d balls-to-the-wall fury) about the last year. Husband, I'm sorry that the tone of the email wasn't as nice as it could have been. I'm sorry about a lot of things.

Guilt, guilt, guilt this morning. The last four hours have been one long nicotine craving and I feel guilty for wanting to smoke as badly as I do. I feel guilty for keeping my walk buddy out for longer than I should have yesterday on our breaks - her boss had some words with her about it and I wish she had come and spoken to me as well. (Later: She did talk to me about it and we timed our laps - damn her, but she was right and we did spend "too much time" walking. I guess the corporate world would rather me spend five minutes sucking down a cancer stick than spend 15 or 20 improving my health.) Seems like we're damned if we do and damned if we don't. I feel guilty for being harsh with Husband yesterday in my email. I feel guilty about not being the wife he wanted. I feel guilty about wanting more from him than he was capable of giving. I feel guilty for failing my father and being such a lousy money-manager. I feel guilty for not jumping in and helping more than I have with the Faire's next event in January. I feel guilty that I didn't ever go caroling in the hospital pediatric wards like I wanted to last year. I feel guilty for not being able to stick to a budget - even though the reason is that Duckie's scrip on Monday was 37 freaking dollars.

I think that's it. Helps to get it onscreen - it's a good reality check.

Duckie is feeling a lot better. The combination of Omnicef (the pricey one) and Diflucan (which we could get generic, thank God, for $7) seems to be working. She was a lot less congested when she woke up this morning, so maybe her cold is on its way out. Less coughing, less whining, and I didn't even have to give her Tylenol this morning. Am planning a trip to the Coop this afternoon to pick up some acidophilus to add to her evening milk - hoping that it will help out the Diflucan and restore some balance to her poor tummy long-term.

She said "No" last night. Or "Na" - close enough. Didn't want to acknowledge it much - not like I do when she says "Da!" while pointing to the dog, or "Ki!" when she's pointing to the cat. It was awfully cute - but then she was saying it to her bath toys, not to me. It won't be so cute in a couple of months when she knows what it means and says it over and over again.

Am definitely on the manic side this morning. Had some oatmeal when I got to work, walked around the plant a couple of times and now - finally - the nic fit from hell is starting to let up a little.

Hoping that the day evens out a bit - although from the conversations I have had with some of my closer co-workers, being angry and pissed off at one thing or another is going around - so at least I'm not alone.

Hoping that this day finds you well.

Still hoping in general...

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