creeping up on the truth

I’ve been so slack. Sorry.

I was talking to my counselor yesterday and…

It’s just that my life really shouldn’t be so miserable but…

I mean, I have a gorgeous, intelligent, more-or-less healthy daughter, a caring husband who is really trying to make things right, I’m gainfully employed, even if the job isn’t what I really enjoy doing, my basic human needs are being met…

And still.

What it comes down to is that some things never got resolved. Maybe they won't ever be completely resolved, but they have to be resolved enough to stop haunting me and informing my relationships now. A big, ugly thirteen-year-old hurt never got healed, and still lingers in the form of inappropriate, excessive feelings that don’t make sense.

Crap. I can’t do this right now. Not in the fishbowl. Too many tears wanting out.

Suffice it to say that I had a pretty intense session yesterday and I have some work to do. Maybe it’ll save my marriage, maybe it won’t. Either way the work has to be done.

*****************

Duckie’s doing well. Teething again, fussy, snotty, allergies, clingy, you name it, she’s got it. But no ear infection, no need for antibiotics, and she’s growing like a weed. Every night she spends a little more time in her bed before sneaking, somehow, into ours.

*****************

I got to see good friends this weekend who are expecting their first child in a few weeks. She looks great – she’s only gained 25 pounds and I want to slap her. (Especially after being asked by a neighbor this weekend if I was expecting another one, with a pointed look to my still-fat belly. %&*(&* Even after losing 15 pounds. Can’t win.) He’s looking very excited but the sides of his hair have gone completely white. Can’t wait to see what he looks like in a year. *snicker snicker* Was great to see them but having to chase Duckie around a completely non-toddler-proofed house was frustrating as hell. I really wanted to spend more time with P., but that’s just not in cards with an active 18-month old who likes to climb anything that’s not moving (and some things that are – just ask the dog.)

Another baby shower this weekend, this time local and a lot less stressful (hopefully). This one I can drop in for a few minutes then disappear, take Duckie to the park maybe and work off some energy. She loves the new slide she inherited from my running buddy’s son, but she also has a tendency to want to explore the fields across the way. I’m starting to see the value of the white picket fence. Especially if you could electrify it.

Next weekend we go to Roxboro to see Granddad and Grandma – can’t wait. Dad’s workshop is finally finished and I’m looking forward to seeing it complete.

I know there’s other stuff I’m missing. Oh, this is a cool article about bullshit from a scholarly perspective. I might be the only person to really appreciate this, but I’m posting the link anyway.

*********************************

A family is a place where minds come in contact with one another. If these minds love one another the home will be as beautiful as a flower garden. But if these minds get out of harmony with one another it is like a storm that plays havoc with the garden.
Buddha (563 BC - 483 BC)